Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in krazeetriton's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 9th, 2006
1:26 am	What the hell is the point of all this? And by all this, I mean earth. Fuck, what the crap is all this for? Why do we run around trying to please other people, try to earn scraps of paper, stuff our faces with slop and then melt our brains in front of a box that tells us to do more of this? I mean, come on! If there is a god, then the only explanation for all this is that he's either has a twisted since of humor, or he's like a child with an ant farm. And that's really what we are...an ant farm. Except ants all unite towards a common goal, feeding the queen. Of course, it's like ants, who if they worship the WRONG queen, they will be dismembered. Sounds familiar? Struggling, day in and day out, carrying up to 50 times their own body weight, simply so the queen will accept them, and they can be like all the other drones. Again, sounding familiar at all? People say that the world is going to hell and it's all total chaos, and that only their god can bring about order. Well, news flash assholes...it's in perfect order. All this mayhem and all falls perfectly into the order of this planet. Too bad that order is CRAP. I now order you to shut up. Basically, the thesis of all this is...fuck life. I've lost all hope for my future. I've almost reached the point of just living with my parents till I'm 30, and then spending the last few years of my life using my welfare checks to pay off the drug dealers, while I try to burn the infection out of my coke filled viens. Is there really any goal to strive for in life? And goal that's worth having? And...aren't I the only one who can answer that for myself? Poop. Current Music: The Hanged Man - Moonspell (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
1:43 am	Change Why do we fear change? What instinct inside of us makes us cling so dearly to everything that makes us who we are? I like my life, just the way it is, and the castles all around me have been melting down for years. And it kills my brain to think of all the time I've wasted here, all the effort, blood, sweat and tears...Oh danny elfman, you silly fuck. It's funny though. We will cling so tightly to everything all around us, no wait, scratch that. It's more like...we cling to the MEMORIES of everything that was once great around us. Like people who continue to poor money into a car, even though it would be thousands of dollars cheaper and less of a hassle just to buy a new one, or people who keep a flea infested doll simply because it was once given to them by a cute guy they once met two and a half decades ago. I myself am terrible about this kind of stuff. I still have a flashlight from when I was two years old, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. I don't know where I'm going with this. But anyways, I'm now gonna be mostly posting on myspace, because I have nothing better to do with my life. Current Music: Oingo Boingo (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
1:20 am	Ok, I just posted, but now I have more to say. And first I'll say this. I have a problem with split personalities. I truly DO have two. It's really wierd. I'm two-sided about EVERYTHING. There is nothing that I am definite about...well, except one thing (Shipoopi). And just after I write a post, or a paper, or anything, this other part of me will suddenly write another paper in my mind on a completely different tangent, or opposing the thesis that I just supported. To the people that know or knew me...you knew one side of me. Sure, my other side poked out occasionally, but I kept that one under wraps mainly. I'll lay it out...Side one of this tape: Bouncy, goofy, do anything to have people like me. Total attention whore. I get depressed easily. I also have my mood elevated just as easily. That's what I tried to keep in high school. But now I don't really have people to keep up the facade for anymore. So more and more it's side two: Totally bitter, angry, stupid me. I hate the world. I look out the bus window and think "That guy is a fucking idiot." People like my ex-roommate screw me over, and I dream about beating the shit out of him. What the hell is wrong with me? First of all, why do I have to think on both sides of every issue? And second...why the hell do I have this bitter angry person inside me? New question. Would one of these be my "true self", or is there just no such thing. Are we just machines, programmed to act as we do? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
1:09 am	So...been a while since I last posted. Let's see...what's happened since then...well, I moved out. A month later moved back in with my parents after finding out that my roommate hadn't paid the rent in two months and we were getting evicted, and he was probably going to steal my stuff, like his brother stole my bank cards. I never got my deposit back either. Bastard. Um...got promoted at work. I'm now sub-sub-management of a pizza place. Woo.....way too much stress for a crap position. I now use my left hand for my computer mouse for reasons unknown to me. And I'm seriously losing touch with reality, along with increased anxiety. Oh yeah, and I bought a piano. Fuck yeah. You know, life....is way to fucking easy. Everyone makes a big deal about "oh god, go to college, get a doctorate, kiss ass, do anything you can, grub all the money you can, don't buy porn, cause otherwise you'll end up homeless!" when really...survival is the simplest thing ever. I could live on my own, with my own apartment, feed my face sick, and still have enough money for entertainment needs. Really, the hardest thing in life, for me at least, is just being happy. Can't seem to do that. Oh well. That's my problem. The Linkin Park remix of Depeche Mode's "Enjoy The Silence" is an unholily awsome song that I can't stop listening to. The music video is kick ass too. Goddammit, this song is just so beautiful I want to cry. To bad I have no emotions anymore. Livejournal my ass. This is simply an online blog-net so people like Luna can post happy little things that make everyone feel brighter, so Nicole can post little entertaining quizes, or so I can bitch about how much I hate this or that. Hm...I should stop bitching. But I won't. I'm just a bitch by nature I guess. Hm...nature...So, what does everyone think? Are people born with no good or evil, with nothing at all, no personality, just a clean slate? Or do they have some imprint of their future personality already in them, it just developes as their body does? You tell me. Current Music: Guess (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 19th, 2005
5:20 pm	I MOVED OUT! WOOOOOO!!!! Now, I just wish that I had a phone line and internet access...but I don't get those for another week or so....Ah well. I survive off top ramen, peanut butter sandwiches, and I bike seven and a half miles each way to work. Woooo. And yet, I love it more than living at home. Helllz yeah. And now here I go again to be out of touch with society for another couple days. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 16th, 2005
1:28 am	Well, I did it. I'm totally packed, and I'm moving out in less than 11 hours. Sweeeeeet. Of course, I have to wake up the next morning at about 9:00 to go to work, so BLEAH. Ok, so I volunteered to work that shift, but I need the money! Ahhhhh! Oh Temptations, how I love thee. The band, not the vice. Damn,it would be nice to be able to drive. But noooo. MONEY! I'll trade 3 eggs for a gallon of gas...HIGH SPEED INTERNET! WOOOOO! Well, we don't have it yet, but we shall soon. I'm tired. I shall sleep soon. Current Mood: tired Current Music: "Casper the Homosexual Freindly Ghost" - Wesley Willis (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 15th, 2005
1:57 am	Well, this is it. I move out tomorrow. I'm nearly finished packing all my stuff (the whole packing part took about, oh, half an hour? Most of this night was just cleaning the room and finding everything). Man, moving should be fun, since tonight is my friend's 21st b-day party, and that means I'm gonna have a blood alcohol level of about twenty percent by 11 pm. Yummy. So...hangover while moving? Sounds fun. I'm free. I'm finally free. So...why don't I feel anything? It just seems natural, like it's nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing seems to ever have an impact on me anymore. When Nicole moved away, I was sad and all, but I didn't FEEL it. When I get into fights with my parents, I can end up in tears or in hysteria, but 10 minutes later, I feel like nothing ever happened. Hell, I could lose an arm, and I'd probably think "well, shit. No more piano for me". Ah well, who needs emotions? They stink. But I'm free! Woo! Now I'll finally get a life maybe! I'll have to start exercising more, at least, because it's a mile to the bus stop from my place, and I'll just be biking everywhere I can. Hopefully I'll be able to pay the bills and all...but I should be good. I'm not gonna be spending more than 50 bucks a month on food, and actually, I'll be aiming for 25. Yes, I'll be living off top ramen and all the pizza I can mooch off of my work place. I finally get high speed internet! WOOOOOO! Well, I should be getting back to the rest of my packing and wasting my life in front of the playstation and pissing like a caffeine addict on a hot, muggy day. Current Mood: Urination = Good Current Music: Steely Dan bitchz! (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
11:17 pm	Red Bull Red Bull is god! I now worship that 8.3 ounce (250 mL) can of holy hell! On the back, it says that it 'improves concentration and enhances reflex responses" or something like that. I don't know about the reflex part, but shit...that stuff is like ritalin in a can. For the first time EVER I was able to play one section of a piano peice and practice it for more than 2 minutes......less that a page of music, and I spent an hour and a half on it. I was able to do the most boring thing ever, setting the metronome and playing it really slow, then moving it up a notch and repeating all the way up what...80 notches? And I've actually gotten good at it! I've never had this attention span before! Most of the time when I play piano, I don't even pay attention to the music! I just daydream, or think about other stuff. But now...I want GALLONS of this stuff! Or maybe just a prescription for Ritalin...but that probably doesn't resemble urine like Red Bull does...Ahhhhhhh caffine!!!!!! Current Mood: FUCKING GREAT! Current Music: "Born To Be Alive" - Patrick Hernandez (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
2:28 am	It's funny really. I've noticed that I think and talk exactly like all of the women I've ever cared about. Not like my friends or parents or influences. No, just the schoolyard crushes and the infatuations and the love. Innnnteresting... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
1:12 am	Oh what a great fucking night. No. Really. I can't type because my fingers are frozen and can't move. My parents hate me now probably. Maybe I've killed us all. God, it fucking hurts to move my fingers. So yeah, there I was trying to clean the oven for my family, figuring I might as well help out before I move out. Then my stepdad comes in and starts yelling at me for not following the safety procedures, and then procedes to say "let's read it aloud" in that condenscending tone of his, and keeps on saying it while I tell him to stop, then tells me in a stupid voice "you read aloud with me or you go to bed" which just pushed it over the limit. I told him "shut the fuck up, you asshole" and threw the can down. So he's all pissed, and yelling at me. Long story short, I ended up in the bathroom for half an hour before emerging with red eyes, and I'm about to apologize when he says "[something something blah blah] until you apologize for all that". So I say "I was just about to. And I will. I'm sorry for blah blah blah but don't EVER say 'lets read it aloud together' like that again!" And procede to explain why it pisses me off. He gets mad at me. He asks why I'm mad. What...the fucking hell. By this point I had just explained to him 5 times why I was pissed off. And then he says "so...this is what started it? Not the fact that you can't follow instructions?" So...instead of beating the shit out of him like I would have loved to, I go outside and sit down in front of the van for ...it looks like about 35 minutes. I don't move, I just sit. And I just sat and thought, and then thought for the first time in years how nice it would be to just die. Then I thought about how when I did try, my friends took me to the school therapist person. Then I realized that I have no fucking friends, that anybody who says they are is really just lying, because a friend would actually maybe return one of my letters in the mail or a phone call or an email or anything! Fuck the world! Even the people who I talk to every single day stopped emailing or mailing me 4 days ago! Why?: What the fuck did I do to you all? I'm sorry I'm so stupid! I'm sorry I'm so immature! I'm sorry for whatever I do wrong that makes it so nobody wants to talk to me! What can I fucking do?: What do I need to do? Anyone I've ever talked to has stopped talking to me. Except Nicole, but apparently I'm a mean person who does nothing but either tease her or ignore her. What should I do? If it weren't for the fact that I was so in love with her, and that I do love my little sister and brother, I'd probably just jump off my roof right now. Unfortunately, I do have feelings for these people, so I'd never do anything like that so long as I have them. Whatever. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. And it still hurts to move my fingers. Current Mood: nearly suicidal (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
12:48 am	So there I was all depressed from watching "The Butterfly Effect" (No, I haven't even finished it yet...it's that painful), but all I needed was a good dose of disco. Ah....Yummy disco. Music is my life. Music IS life. It creates emotion, it begets emotion, it enhances emotions, it desensitizes us from emotions, it aboloshes emotions, it slows the insanity, or IS it the insanity? Perhaps the insanity mearly comes from the thought of itself. But how could it have started? Where does a viscious cycle begin?Where was the first music sung? Did music sound as the universe burst into being? Or did the universe burst into being when the first chords were struck? Or was there a middle man sort of element? If you saw through another person's perspective, but through your own eyes, or through their eyes, but with your own perspective, would what they define as blue seem green to you? That's one that I've always wondered about. You know, I've been going insane lately over stupid crap, seeing as my life is evolving before I seem to, and I'm so lost and confused...but I realized that life would be so boring without all of it. Seriously...Utopia would have a suicide per second. VIVA LA CONUNDRUM! On a side note, I've been lost in fantasy worlds too often. Someday this week, I shall show up at Ingraham and kidnap all you wanksters, and jaunt off on an adventure. BEWARE! Current Mood: Confused and lovin' it Current Music: "Spaceman" - Low Flying Objects (Comment on this)
12:05 am	I can't believe I'm forcing myself to watch the "Butterfly Effect". This movie...this is one of the worst things I've ever seen. Good movie...HORRIBLE SCRIPT! Not bad, but...Oh my god! A baby got blown up! Why?!?!?!? If you haven't seen this movie yet...DON'T! This is horrible! Current Mood: Horrified (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
1:16 am	I'M FREE AGAIN, MOTHER FUCKER! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M MOVING OUT IN EXACTLY 2 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Snarf. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
2:22 pm	So that house I was talking about last night? Yeah, apparently, what they meant by "155th & lake city way" was actually "121st and 4th SW". WTF! Oh well, I finally get to go check out this other place tomorrow that's still cheap, and it's only like a 5 minute bike ride from Nicole's place, AND I can take my cats! Hellz yeah. And the guy pretty much said that if I'm not insane like the last 6 or so people were, I can take it soon. Sweeeeet. I've bumped my moving out date back to the 16th of December, so yeah. Mmmmhmmmm. Current Mood: stoked Current Music: "Water Baby" - Sneaker Pimps (Comment on this)
12:26 am	Oooooh yeah. Checking out an apartment tomorrow, with two more in contact. Hellz yeah. And if I get this apartment, I'll basically have my floor with my own bathroom, and about 300 bucks left over every month after utilities and food. Fuck yeah. One of the other people there who I was talking to is really friendly too, so yeah. Good vibes. Plus this place is within a short bike ride or a 20 minute walk to my work (closer than my place) so I WANT this place! Not taht I really need to move out right now, but it's just time. I'm sick of leeching money off my parents now that I can pay for my own stuff. I'll just let them pay for my recent dental stuff...=D Plus I really need someplace where Nicole and I can just chill and watch a movie or something without people popping in every 5 minutes and my little siblings crawling all over us. I wonder if they'd let me rent a piano and move it into the place...whoever's reading this, if you have any feelings, you WILL lend me some of your Karma! Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: "Suck" - NIN (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
1:57 am	So...moving out is taking longer than ever. STILL looking for a roommate. Moving out is hard when you're trying to be extremely cheap. So, uh, if anyone knows anybody looking for a roommate or renting out a cheapish room...yeah...I'd love to know...maybe if I were 18 and able to get that fucking promotion!....maybe then I'd be able to afford my own apartment. Well, I already can, but I'd no money left over after utilities and food and bus cards. That's just cutting it too close for my liking, so...yeah. Rawr. Current Mood: Weary Current Music: "Post-Modern Sleaze" - Sneaker Pimps (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 26th, 2005
12:33 am	So yeah. I'm a tag-along. I've realized that that's all I've ever been, and all I shall ever be. A tag-along and a poser. A poser to younger people, people who think that I'm something to look up to. And a tag-along in the sense that all I ever seem to do is just follow people. Today for example. I hung out with Angela and Anna for the first time since graduation, and it was, I thought, going to be all cool cause we were the old gang finally reunited. No, I just sat around listening to them talk. I didn't talk with them, or when I tried, it just sounded like I was begging for attention (which I guess I kind of was). This is the way it's always been with anyone. I kind of assimilate into groups, I earn their permission to hang out with them, but I never really become a part of them. I'm always on the outskirts, always just the listener. Is this my fault? Is it theirs? What could I possibly do? What must I do to earn a response from them? Every time I try to do something to get a reaction it's either "oh, look what he's doing..." or "are you looking for attention?" or just "yeah, that's Justin". No, never any "hey, good job" or "that was cool, I guess" or even just a nod, no. Nothing like that. The only thing I can really get a reaction from is by playing piano, and I'm not even THAT good. Besides which, very few people have ever heard me play, or even WANTED to hear a piano. The only person who actually seems to appreciate my existence would be Nicole. Is that why I love her so devotedly? Perhaps. It is true, I'm an attention whore. I love people noticing me. I love to show off, or do crazy things. Maybe that's why today I lit a match and stuck it into my arm. They noticed! And sickeningly enough, for a minute there, I felt a little glow of pride for having brainlessly burned myself. That's just what I do. I'm sick of being in the backround, of just floating along while everyone else is propelling forward. So I try to change, I try to mature, but nothing changes. I try to show how I've changed, and no reaction. So I revert to my old self...still nothing. So I do something completely stupid, and I get a mild, momentary response. Whoopie. Would anyone besides Nicole actually care if I just dissapeared suddenly? Well...no. Since no one even bothers to return my phone calls or emails anymore, I doubt anyone would even know. I don't even know why I'm writing in this. I guess it's just because I'm begging for attention like usual. Look at me! Read me! I exist! Nope, no one. Nicole will probably leave a comment to this saying something like "=( I love you *hug*" and maybe Luna will say some inspiring remark, but that's all I'm gonna get. And that's all I'll ever get. Everyone I've ever had a "friendship" with has left, or just stopped talking to me. And I've tried to start the conversations back up, but people just don't seem to care, so you know what? Fuck them. Fuck everybody. I would love nothing more than to just regain my sanity and friends, but that's not going to happen. They stopped talking to me, and I'm just stuck here, wallowing in layers of self pity, being the little baby that I am. So why am I even posting this? What does it matter? What the fuck does ANYTHING matter? My life is nothing but work and Nicole. Well, really, the only reason that I'm not suicidal at all is simply Nicole. A worthy reason for life, truly, but I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, another reason might be nice? Maybe? No...I guess I'll never find out, huh? Well, fuck it all. I'm going to go waste my life away in front of a video game now, watching the characters I control making life-long friends and having adventures with them, while I just sit on my fat ass wishing I could join them. Life is an ugly bitch that beds anyone withing it's grasp. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: "Dream On" - Aerosmith (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
9:18 pm	Add the letters in your name using the numbers below =) And Write it at the bottom! under 45 points=not too sexy from 46-75 points=pretty sexxy over 76 points=VERY damn sexxxxy!!! beyond 100= sexy as fuck!!!! A=23 B=14 C=9 D=28 E=45 F=12 G=3 H=10 I=10 J=50 K=30 L=31 M=25 N=30 O=13 P=2 Q=12 R=9 S=13 T=8 U=11 V=10 W=10 X=3 Y=20 Z=23 .....lots of people 121. Mercedes - 212 - oh fuckyes :D 122. carole - 130 : ) 123. Jacob ~ 109 hellz yeah! 124. 122! Oh shiiiiit. Too back this isn't real! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 19th, 2005
3:44 pm	I so don't want to go to work! Going downtown, walking a mile around the stadium, going through security, then working my butt off till 4 in the morning. Yeah, don't wanna. So what if I've gotten extremely lethargic lately, Qwest field sucks monkey balls. It sucks the gay right outa Liberaci's anus. I'm already late, and I'm thinking about just not going. I'll probably leave in an hour though, cause money's good. I finally found an awsome apartment! So...hopefully, they email me back soon. I want to move out! And I did good last night, I fell asleep at 9 at night! Sure, I woke up at one, and stayed up till 6, but I still got 4 extra hours of sleep. Woot. Um....why am I writing all of this? I dunno. Just feel like talking I guess, and I don't really talk to anyone anymore. I saw Kristina at the UW yesterday. Twas nice and random. And peoples are comming home from college in a couple days! Woohoo! I might actually SEE PEOPLE! *gasp!* Me? Actually go out and socialize? Oooooh. It'll be fun. I wonder if I know how to act in public any more...hehehe, I nearly typed "pubic"...hehehe.... Current Music: "Sex, Death and Money" - Alice Cooper (4 Comments |Comment on this)
3:34 am	The fantasy is greater than the Reality. What is the Reality? I build myself a cave, not unlike that of Plato What are the images on the wall? Shadows of the Reality that should be Or that I'm told should be. Are the shadows of the world... Or the inhabitants? Sit down, flip the switch, let the music roll over you Roll through you A soundtrack to the life that I'd love to live But can never Even these lines are nothing but a cry in the dark In the light Grabbing for something that is not there Something I want to be there Something I need to be there There are no adventures, no fantastics, no purity No fantasy Or is there? No. Why not? There just isn't. Rationale versus Delusions of grandeur Or is the Rationale the Delusion? Lies, Truths, Wants, Needs, Thought, Knowlege, Wisdom, Insanity... Do these things even exist? Current Mood: Lost Current Music: Sheila Nichols (Comment on this)